NO. It’s a simple word and one of the most disrespected in the English language.
I’ve lost count of how many Extract the Past sessions (sessions where we clear the energy and remove the pain of past relationships) I have done over the past 10 days where the issue was the man disregarded the woman’s boundaries and/or ignored her NOs.
And I gotta tell you, the first few times it showed up, my thought was, “What an asshole.”
And then I started to see a pattern.
Think about it.
How many times has a friend suggested you go out that night and you didn’t want to, so you said NO? How many times have you changed your mind just to shut her up?
How many times has someone asked you to do anything where you initially said NO and then changed your mind?
How many times have you initially said NO to a product or service and then changed your mind because either A) you realized it has value or B) the sales associate was THAT good at convincing you can’t live without it or C) you gave in so the person would stop bothering you?
Most people (and that includes you and me) don’t respect our own NO. Nor do we believe it. Nor do we stand by it.
Why? Because we (both women and men) have been taught that No means No, unless…….you can be convinced otherwise.
Look at another scenario:
You’re shopping at Target and your kid tells you she wants another set of markers. You say No. She throws a temper tantrum. All your inner demons (past conditioning) show up and rear their ugly heads.
In a split second, you hear your mother in your head. She’s reminding you of what shitty mom you are. Followed by, “What will people say if they see your daughter laying face down on the floor crying her eyes out like that?” You are absolutely sure the woman in the next section over is shaking her head and wondering why the hell you can’t control your kid. And even though, you may be secretly thinking that your kid is being an absolute brat, you buy her the freaking markers just to make the pain in your belly go away and get out of there before the embarrassment turns to mortification, if it hasn’t already.
And now, No doesn’t mean no. What it means is, if I stand my ground and say NO, I’m going to get hurt. (Look at the pain the mom goes through in the above example). What it also means is: make enough noise, trigger my fears, bug the shit out of me enough….and I’ll give in to what you want.
And look at the kid in the above situation. She’s learned that she can manipulate people into changing their minds. If the kid in the example was a boy, he learned the same thing.
And that’s the problem. We’re taught from a very young age that NO means NO unless it doesn’t. We’re taught not to be in integrity with our wishes and values. The behaviors that are modeled to us are broken and the messages they send are unclear.
What about the times’ people do stand by their Nos? Sadly, those situations are few and far between and they become the exception rather than the rule.
Now, let me be clear. I’m not saying that it’s okay to ignore a person’s NO. I’m not saying when a woman tells a man to keep his hands off her, that it’s okay to disrespect her and touch her anyway.
What I am saying is that if you want people to respect your boundaries and believe you when you say NO, then you need to respect your own boundaries and stand firm in your NO….even when it’s uncomfortable, especially when it’s comfortable.
And here’s how you do it:
Be crystal clear when setting your boundaries. Look the person in the eye when you are speaking with them, especially if it’s a man. Make sure you have his attention and DO NOT let your attention waver.
And now the next part is very important. You want to use as few words as possible and speak firmly without a whole lot of other emotion coming through….especially when speaking with a man.
Say something like, “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear (or I’m sorry if I’m giving off mixed messages)”…..and fill in the blank with whatever behavior you want to stop. “No, I don’t want to have sex with you.” (You can add a qualifier like “this is our first date” or “I have my period” or “I’m about to get on a conference call”)
Expect push back. Expect a bit of tantrum. Expect him wanting some pity. Remember, that’s what’s been modeled. And since men speak and interpret more literally than women, they are feeling rejected. It’s an affront to their manhood and all that other good stuff.
It doesn’t make it right or ok, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with when you understand what’s really going on.
And women, you’re probably wondering why I’m putting most of the responsibility on you. It’s because you’re the one who gets hurt. You’re the one who suffers.
I’m giving you a tool so that you don’t have to anymore.
