Failed Dreams Or New Directions?

When I envisioned getting married and having kids years ago, I thought in terms of fairy tales.  I didn’t have the easiest childhood when it came to my emotional and social life, but I did have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food in my belly, and parents who loved me.  With that said, my parents did the best they knew how, but I encountered a lot that they didn’t know how to deal with.  So, Prince Charming riding up on his white horse to take me to live in his castle in the clouds held a strong appeal.

My vision of  two perfect , well adjusted little boys, who excelled at sports, had tons of friends, got all A’s, and received full scholarships to Ivy League Schools turned into one boy on the autistic  spectrum and another who cares so much about other people, at times it can be to his detriment.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death.  My dreams were for them, not for me.  I wanted them to have the life that I always imagined, but reality came knocking at our door, hard.

My oldest is on the spectrum.  I knew from a very young age, with every fiber of my being that he wasn’t developing as per the norm.  However, this was way before the internet was available, and he was just typical enough to the naked eye, that the doctors were able to say “He’s a boy.  Sometimes boys develop slower than girls.” Though I do have to admit that when he wasn’t completely potty trained by age five, it did cause a few raised eyebrows.  Finally, a combination of mother’s intuition and journaling his behaviors were enough to get the doctors moving.  He wasn’t officially diagnosed until he was 6 years old.

My youngest son was born after my then husband and I worked through some marital issues.  Raising a special needs child, especially one without a diagnosis can be taxing on a marriage.  The fact that my son needed to be on an extremely regimented schedule in order to stay calm often resulted in arguments.  One side viewed the schedule as an inconvenience and a result of too strict parenting, and the other viewed it as survival.  The diagnosis helped put an end to that disagreement.

My second son is 5 ½ years younger than his brother.  Watching him has brought so much joy and sorrow.  We see how much our older guy missed out on by not being “typical”.  My youngest reached each of his milestones according to the “norm” and was the cause of celebration.   When a child who has special needs reaches a milestone, it brings a different kind of joy.  You’ve watched him work so hard to get there and you weren’t sure he would.  Things that are natural for other kids aren’t natural for him.  Watching my typical child reach his developmental milestones brings almost a sense of relief.  Relief for me that he doesn’t have to struggle the way his brother did, and a feeling of relief for him for the same reason.

As the years progress, more challenges arise.  Every challenge my older son endures affects my younger son.  Puberty was horrible.  Terrible bouts of anger, depression, threats of suicide and more were the norm.  Through it all, the boys dad and I had to find a way to keep some kind of balance and normalcy in the household.  My older child would try to hurt himself, his brother, or us.  My younger child would be so scared and we would have to split up in order to deal with situations.  Things usually ended up where I would take care of the older child and their father would try and comfort the younger.  It’s made even worse by that fact that the younger of the two is so empathic, compassionate, and intuitive.

I’ve said it before, but I can’t stress enough that learning Reiki and actually utilizing it in the moment has done wonders in helping our family through these situations.  It’s an added tool when medications and therapies don’t work…or even when they do.

The kids’ dad and I did eventually split up, partially due to the stresses of raising our kids along with the everyday trials like money, extended family etc.  However, we continue to co-parent very well and actually get along better now.  We were able to create a situation where most holidays are spent together and while our kids may not love that we don’t live together anymore, they’ve adapted.  They still live in their house, go the same schools, and have the same friends.

Believe it or not, I credit thetahealing with some of that.  The boys’ dad is a good and decent man, but splitting up can trigger behaviors we don’t know exist.  I worked on many of my belief systems to help the separation move forward with ease and grace.

So, I didn’t get my castle in the clouds, my kids don’t live the “charmed” life, but we do okay.  Being able to let go of how we think things “should” be and learning to go with the flow can make all the difference in how we view our lives.  It can make the difference between being happy and being angry.  Sometimes, in order to be happy, one has to surrender to the situation, and try a different course….like it or not.  If your comfort zone is not a place where happiness lives, moving out of it may bring you closer to place where it does.

By the way, my 18 year old just took his girlfriend to Prom and had a wonderful time.  Something we never believed possible, and my 13 year old is a whiz at the computer and fantastic musician….in spite of all the challenges being the sibling of an autistic child.

Blessings as you navigate your path to happiness and well-being.