I had an interesting experience during the weekend. Actually, it wasn’t the experience that was interesting, it was more my reactions and observations. Most of us have challenges of one sort or another and I’m no exception. Many of you already know that my relationship with my father crashed and burned about 4 years ago. The healing and rebuilding of it has been nothing less than arduous. We are not the same people we were back then, yet we fall into the habit of trying to rebuild what was, instead of creating something new…based on who we are now. My father does not recognize that there is another way…and while I do, I still have difficulties letting go of the 40+ year old habit of that relationship.
My father does not approve of my leaving my husband or the fact that I have a boyfriend. Rather than seeing my boyfriend as a man who fully loves and supports me, he sees him as a home wrecker. He cannot wrap his head around the fact that my marriage was over before I entered into this relationship. The child in me wants to stamp her feet and ask why he can’t be happy that I’m happy. The adult in me recalls my parent’s marriage and the frustration that often shone in my father’s eyes.
With that as the background, let’s cut to this weekend. It was my nephew’s second birthday and I was invited and for the first time in almost two years, David (my boyfriend) was invited to a family event that was not hosted by my ex-husband. As a quick aside, when he hosts the holidays he always invites both David and I, and I am highly grateful for it. If anyone has reason hold a grudge (and no-one ever should) you would think it would be him. Back to the party. I have to say, it’s amazing how quickly I fall back into old patterns when I am going to be around my father. I forgot to buy wrapping paper for the gift and had to stop for some on the way. We were a half hour late for the party, and I was a bundle of nerves…or so I thought. When we finally arrived and said our hellos, my father completely averted his face from David and barely responded to his hello. I found myself acting nervous and twitchy and forgetting to breathe. As this was happening, there was the part of me who was watching me. I could hear it wondering why I was acting that way. Frankly, the other part of me was wondering the same thing. I put a mental sticky note on the thought so I could come back to it later.
When I had time to sit down and examine the day, my reactions, and my thoughts, something became clear to me. My reactions were habit and not a true reflection of how I really felt. Yes, I was slightly uncomfortable. Yes, I was upset with my father for being so rude…but the other stuff….the nervousness, forgetting things, etc., well that was habit. I wasn’t nauseous, my stomach wasn’t tied up in knots, and while I forgot to breathe consciously, the breath was there. I was not the least bit anxious. I thought I should have been all those things, so that is how I behaved. Amazing.
So what I am going to challenge you to do is this: the next time you find yourself emotionally reacting to a situation, check in with yourself. Take time to notice how your body feels. Are you really nervous, anxious, or angry? Maybe you are, but you are less nervous, anxious, or angry than you think. Maybe you are not feeling any of these emotions at all. The important thing is to take notice and react authentically. If you are not anxious, give yourself permission to act without feeling anxious. Believe it or not, it can be scary. Do you know who you are when you don’t react the way you used to? If not, it is time to get to know the new you.
