Are you the fixer? The problem solver? The person everyone goes to because they know you’ll make things right?
Oh, maybe you’re the person who offers advice when you see something out of whack and then people either get pissed at you, ignore you, or continue doing whatever is they’re doing, even though they know it’s hurting them?
Being able to solve people’s problems is great…as long as you’re being appreciated for what you do…and when it comes to family, it’s more like an expectation or an obligation…neither of which comes along with appreciation.
Being an unappreciated fixer/problem solver starts when you’re very young. If you’re a woman, it starts because you’re wired for connection, especially with your mother.
You’re a little girl who sees her mom is unhappy. What do you do? You do something that you know will make her smile.
You’re a little girl who sees her mom is unhappy. What do you do? You do something
that you know will make her smile.
You’re a little girl and see your parents fighting. What do you do? Fall down and cry is one possibility. Another is to eat your spaghetti with your fingers even though you’ve been using a fork for the past six months. You might even start spinning around and making that silly face that always seems to make your mommy laugh.
You’re fixing your mom’s problems because you want her to be happy. Because even at a young age, you recognize that you get more attention (love) from your mom when she’s happy and not stressed.
And fixing problems becomes so ingrained it turns into a way for you to deal with and manage your life…which is cool if, like I said earlier, you’re being appreciated.
And, as long as you’re not overstepping someone’s boundaries by offering unsolicited advice (I used to fall into this trap all the time. Giving advice is what I do for a living and it’s hard to remember to take off that hat outside of my sessions. LOL)
And as long as you’re not holding yourself back by fixing problems that are not yours to fix…even if your mother or someone else says they’re your problems.
And as long as you’re not holding yourself back by fixing problems that are not yours to fix as a way of trying to please your mother or anyone else.
How do let go of being the unappreciated fixer? First, take a deep breath or maybe 20. Second, remember that when you rush in to solve a problem before someone asks, you could be denying them a learning opportunity that will help them later on. And yes, this applies even if the person is in a lot of emotional pain.
Instead of trying fix or offer advice, LISTEN. People underestimate the healing power of listening. The majority of people on this planet feel neither seen nor heard. A compassionate ear and present heart may be all the other person needs in order to heal.
When you learn to listen without giving advice or solving someone else’s problem you actually give them the space they need to solve it on their own…and that has the capacity to help that person feel more confident.
And remember people are more likely to act from the way they feel instead of from what they know.
If you’re having trouble letting go of being the fixer 1:1 Coaching can help too. Schedule your complimentary consultation to see if coaching is right for you.
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Release the pain and say yes to you and your freedom.
Much love and abundant blessings,
