Today is the third day of my cleanse and I already hit my edge. We’re required to stop eating at 6pm (yes, you can eat on this cleanse…2 specific vegetables and 2 specific fruits)…..and the nights can be long.
Last night at around 9pm I started losing it. I was hungry, the house was clean, work was done, nothing was on TV and I had enough of reading. I prayed, I meditated, I played with the dog but the need to fill my time with food was intense. I was angry at myself for putting me into a position where I had hurt my body so badly for so many years that I had to starve myself to get it back to balance.
I cursed my mother and my grandmother for knowing of no way to help soothe me as a child other than with food. I cursed society for making food a part of every celebration and I cursed my body for needing food. I’ve always said that food is the most difficult addiction to deal with because you have to face it every single day of your life….
When I was done with indulging my inner victim, I knew I had a choice. I could choose to eat or not. I had to think long and hard about it. My target weight…or body size…is a long way off and I wasn’t sure if it was going to be worth fighting myself to get there.
Then, I realized something…what I have learned and what I teach is to surrender to the Universe…surrender to what is true for you in the moment…and here I was fighting my truth. I took a deep breath and acknowledged where I was in the moment. I honored my past struggles as well as my current one…which brought me to the awareness that I was operating from conclusion and hadn’t even noticed it. I saw that in my choice to eat or not…I had concluded that by Not eating, I was going to have to continue to sit in my living room and suffer through hunger pangs. Really?
So, what else is possible? I realized that I could get the heck out of the house and go wander around Walmart for a little while. I could also text a friend of mine and distract myself with a little conversation and I could chew gum. And that’s exactly what I did. It got me through the moment…
Today, I woke up hungry and immediately went into panic mode because there’s no food allowed today and tomorrow…only milk. I went right into how am I going to get through these to days, blah blah blah…and then I stopped and asked a question. What’s right about this that I’m not getting?
What’s right about this is that I have snored my entire life…when I went to bed on the first night of this cleanse, I wasn’t snoring and didn’t last night either. That’s never happened to me, even when I was thinner. Then I noticed that the stuffy, clogged head I almost always wake up with was virtually gone. There was just a small sniffle. Sometime in the past year or so, I had developed this sort of soft whistle that happens when I breathe out…only when going to sleep. That is gone too. As is the strange itch that I always seem to have in my ears.
David and I were talking about it, and even with these amazing revelations, I’m scared I’m going to throw it all away. David reminded me of all the hurdles I’ve overcome in my life that were bigger than this (in his point of view) and that I could easily move through this. That’s when the next awareness came through.
I have used food to navigate my life. It’s either been there to either block, create, or support feelings and belief systems. Without knowing it, I’ve been using it as a supplement to the tools I use and teach every day. Now, I don’t have that crutch and can only utilize my tools.
I know the tools work….I just have to trust myself enough to know what questions to ask, what tools to use, and that I will actually use them.
That’s why I’m sharing an update on my journey so soon. I’ve always known that I’ve used food as a way to numb myself out…but what I didn’t know was that the underlying cause…the root cause of using food in that way was because I didn’t trust myself to nurture and take care of me when the feelings felt like they were getting out of control…those times when I feel too hurt, too sad, or even too happy.
It’s taken me 50 years to get to this point and I feel like a weight as been lifted from my shoulders. I’m not going into conclusion and deciding that things will be easy from here on in…or that I will reach my target…what I am saying, is now I know where to focus my energy and my actions. When I don’t know what to do, I have the tools that will help get me there…and I can always choose something different.
Take a look at your habits, choices, and beliefs. Sit with them, talk to them, ask them what they are covering up. Ask them to get specific. Don’t fall into the trap of saying it’s lack of self love or lack of confidence. Those are over arching themes…get down to the nitty gritty details and see what comes up for you.
For those of you who are interested, I’m going to be selling the healthy body meditation/clearing audio that I created for $5.00. If enough people purchase it and are interested, I’ll also be putting together a Facebook group where we can support each other our journeys to having a healthy body.
Did you know that every single person who has gone through my Divine Core Healing Program has created a healthier body? I only just realized it myself this past week. Thank goodness I’m cute, cuz I’m not always so smart.
Keep an eye out for the email announcing the release of the meditation/clearing audio and share it with your friends. I am not going to say that skinny is sexy….but I will say this: having a healthy body, no matter what it’s size, is totally sexy.
Much love and abundant blessings,
